broken and torn

what is it like being born in a broken family.

many people had been asking me about my family problems and how i react to that.

i cant say that i'm actually upset about it, because my parents were divorced when i was 3 and i dont stay with them so.... i dont remember how was it like to be hanging out with both my parents.

childhood

from young, i never quite fit in. i was always alone. when i grew older, i realized how different i am from other people. i dont spend my sundays having dinner with my family or going for movies. i usually just stay in the room and find something to entertain myself with. And slowly. it will come to a point that you have to learn how to suck it up and be independent . no one is gonna be home waiting for you ask you about your day. no one is gonna be there when you come home hurt from a bad relationship break up or you fell down and injured yourself.  

so yep. this was my childhood. 

relationship. 

i can never have a proper relationship. it is scary how i could actually love somebody but afraid of losing him at the same time. cause you know that he is your only hope. i don't know if other people feels the same way as i do , but to me, during the whole relationship, all i can think about is " what if he left me?"   will he leave me like how my parents did? cause he is the only source of love that i have been through. and then slowly, i  became evidently "allergic" to commitments. i'm not willing to open my heart to let a new one in. we get tired of losing people to the stage that we would rather stay alone.

but thank god i have friends who never left me. always telling me how much they love me and reminding me that i'm special.